Thursday, September 10, 2009

Your 2009 Giants Clubhouse Cliques

I know we've got a HUGE series coming up against the Los Bastardos Azules de Los Angeles, but we're all in need of a good pointless argument based in hilarity. Come on, we can't hit, can't bunt, and we're 4.5 games back. I'm not throwing in the towel, but as I said before, staying positive is becoming harder and harder. But... wait for it...

We're still in this.


This social breakdown isn't quite "The Giants Pitching Staff As Women", but hey, nothing can top that. That was lightning in a bottle, and put this here blog on the map.

So, without further nonsensical blather, I give you (my perceived) 2009 Giants "Clubhouse Cliques".

Think of it as the schoolyard. Naturally, groups of people will relate to similar folks. It can be based in many things, such as common interest or background, similar hobbies, or simply that they enjoy the other peoples' company. You know how this works. If you don't... well, I'm sorry, but you have no friends. Rent "I Love You Man" on PPV.

The Nice Guys

The nice guys are the dudes that have either settled down over the years, or just don't strike you as crazy or entertaining. These are generally family men who have been in the league for a few years, and don't get hammered in public or make a lot of noise in the media. They may or may not be able to tell you the difference between a Sauvignon Blanc and a Riesling, and are generally good guys. If you were friends with them, they'd probably offer to help you move and might dress up as the Easter Bunny for the kids after church.

-- Randy Winn
-- Travis Ishikawa
-- Bengie Molina
-- Jonathan Sanchez
-- Freddy Sanchez
-- Bobby Howry
-- Rich Aurilia
-- Randy Johnson

The Sleaze Brothers

You'd want to hang out with these guys. They're young, they go out boozing (hard), and they've got personality. They'd rather celebrate a big win by playing beer pong at Bar None than get a good night's sleep. They are known to have wild hairstyles and quirks on the field. They're a lot of fun... until they take it too far. You wouldn't really think they were baseball players if you saw them in public...

-- Barry Zito
-- Brian Wilson
-- Timmy Lincecum
-- Kevin Frandsen
-- Joe Martinez

The Backwoods Boys

The Backwoods Boys are generally Southerners who without the company of one another would feel totally out of place in the crazy (sometimes backward) place they call San Francisco. They'd chew tobacco even if they weren't baseball players. There's a good chance that you'll overhear them talkin' 'bout huntin', fishin', and wrasslin' with Alan Jackson in the background. They'd rather drive a Dodge Ram with a Cummins Diesel than a $95,000 Mercedes-Benz. They'd rather drink a Bud than some fancy $15 cocktail. These are my people.

-- Matt Cain (TN)
-- Eli Whiteside (MS)
-- Madison Bumgarner (NC)
-- Brandon Medders (AL)
-- Buster Posey (GA)
-- Brad Penny (OK)
-- Ryan Rohlinger (WI)

The Crazy Latins

These clubhouse clowns are irresistibly funny, off the wall, and a joy to be around. They all speak incomprehensible Espanol and their Spanglish is even funnier. These guys love life and they play crazy salsa dance music whenever they get the chance. You're more likely to see them dancing around and being goofballs than studying charts and videos... but somehow they're still effective. Being from different countries makes no difference to them. Viva Los Locos!

-- Edgar Renteria, Colombia
-- Pablo Sandoval, Venezuela
-- Juan Uribe, Dominican
-- A.U. Velez, Dominican
-- Andres Torres, Puerto Rico
-- Sergio Romo, Southern California
-- Merkin Valdez, Dominican
-- Jesus Guzman, Venezuela

The So-Calers

These are the dudes that we'd rip on for being from SoCal because we're from NorCal and we don't like their kind. There's nothing really wrong with them, but inevitably, they're on their own wavelength, and don't fully fit in with NorCal society. They're probably into Nickelback (which I happen to be down with), and may or may not wear strange sunglasses (Garko), extreme hairstyles (Rowand), or have their entire bodies tattooed (Miller). Affeldt is from Phoenix, but that's close enough.

-- Justin Miller
-- Aaron Rowand
-- Jeremy Affeldt
-- Ryan Garko
-- Dan Runzler

With all that being said... where do Nate Schierholtz and Fred Lewis fit in? What's their clique? I would say that Fred, a bit of a goofball himself, would fit in with the Latins, but also is from Mississippi, and can probably relate to the good ol' boys. It's hard to say. I wonder who Fred's best buddy is on the team... I really do. Maybe he's a hybrid cliquester.

As for Schierholtz, I imagine him to be more like Barry Zito and Lincecum than the Southerners. He's also too intense to be one of the nice guys. He's definitely cooler than Randy Winn and Ishikawa. It's debatable.

What clique would you put Lewis and Nate The Great in?

Hope you cracked a smile at that stuff. That's what I'm here for!


  1. I loved this! Thanks for the laughs.

    And I had no idea Justin Miller had so many tattoos....

  2. Thanks Hilary.

    Also, there are two corrections!

    Sergio Romo hangs with the "Sleaze Brothers" I kinda knew this but wasn't sure. When in doubt, check out the crazy haircut.

    Also, Nate Schierholtz has been spotted with "The Sleaze Brothers" as well.

    The only remaining missing piece is Fred Lewis.

    Where does he fit in?