Thinking of the Giants pitching staff as women

Wait... what?

Yeah, I know. Weird, right?

Hilarious story actually.

My buddy Spence and I were talking about how Sergio Romo went from lockdown to disaster in the span of a week. One of us called him a "two faced bitch." This inevitably led to a discussion of what kind of woman each Giants pitcher would be. No homo.

When you put it in these analytical terms, it makes more sense. I mean, what else do we Giants fans think about? Chicks and sports. Only if you're lucky do the two work seamlessly with each other. Anyway. Hope you get some laughs and insight into this.

Tim Lincecum

Timmy is the keeper of a lifetime. She's the girl that if you're lucky enough to convince her to dig you, you better not mess it up. She's sexy as hell, smart, laid back, will age well, and has enough of a wild streak to keep you begging for more without being a crazy ass bitch. (I'm picturing Katherine Heigl here). This is the one you need to marry. If you don't, you might see her going out with some douchebag from New York City or Boston someday, and you'll never forgive yourself as long as you live.


Matt Cain

Cain is the friend with benefits that wants to be more, but you just aren't sure. She's not unattractive by any means, and has even gotten better looking in recent years by dropping a few pounds. But no matter what she does, you're always going to see her more as a friend than a girlfriend. Plus her best friend is Tim Lincecum, and she'll never be able to top that.

Jonathan Sanchez

Wow! What a butterface! Sanchez is the girl that almost has it all. She's got a body to die for and a fun personality, but you have a hard time looking at her face. It usually takes a few vodka tonics to make you forget about her mug sometimes, and dimly lit bars or dark bedrooms are the best settings for her. Every now and then, she'll wear a trashy denim skirt and low cut tank top to a Kenny Chesney concert and you'll forget all about her facial shortcomings.

Randy Johnson

Randy Johnson is a cougar on the prowl. Man she was hot back when she was younger. Still, even at 45 years old, you'll see her hustling pool at the Silver Peso in Larkspur or the Viking in Novato, and think, man, for 45, she's still pretty hot and I'd still do her. Plus you've seen pictures of her back at 26, and it's like, "Damn... she was unbelievable."

Ryan Sadowski

Ryan Sadowski is the goofy band camp geek from high school that you never talked to, but ran into at a party in college a few years later. She gets liquored up from 3 screwdrivers and some Natty Light out of the keg and admits she's had a crush on you since Freshman year. She's throws herself at you, and since you've been hitting the Beam and Diets all night, you can't help but do it. Then you feel horrible in the morning because you can't stand the sight of her and her clinginess and knew it was a huge mistake.


Barry Zito

Barry Zito is the girl you thought was Tim Lincecum. You thought she had all those qualities and you could spend the rest of your life with her. You have a child together, and you're doing great in your career, making 7 figures. Next thing you know, she starts drinking and stops caring. You become the bad guy for working so much, and inevitably an ugly divorce ensues. You want so badly never to see her again, but she takes all your money, and you have to keep things civil for the sake of your daughter. Next thing you know, after she's taken everything from you, and you think you're rid of her, she marries some famous guy from LA, gets 3 plastic surgery procedures, and looks better than ever in the tabloids on the arm of that jerk. She ruined everything.

Sergio Romo

Romo was smoking hot in her senior year of high school. She was a high 8 then, and everyone thought she'd only get better looking. Then you saw her next summer, and she'd put on 20 pounds in college and wore the same kinds of clothes that she did before. Smoking a pack of Marb Lights and drinking a fifth of vodka in a night is nothing for her. But would you still do her? Of course. Plus, once she gets her life back together and gets over the craziness of sorority life, she'll probably return to a level comparable to her original form.

Jeremy Affeldt

Affeldt is solid as a rock. She's definitely marriage material. Not too exciting or overly sexy, but is pretty and is generally even keel. She makes you better and doesn't have any negative qualities. Plus she's a lefty and a great mom.

Bobby Howry

Howry is a plain jane that had some good years in her prime. She's more personality than looks, but is so damn weird that no one wastes their time trying to figure her out. She's like an accountant or librarian that went downhill quickly after age 35 and will never recover. Probably an X-Files fan.

Justin Miller

Justin Miller is the weird punk/hippie chick that you don't really know, but have met once or twice through friends. She's into a totally different scene than you, and some of the things you've heard her say are offensive and bizarre, but it's because she's so counter-cultural that you're intrigued. Yes, you've thought about it, but it'll never happen.

YOU STILL WITH ME??

Brandon Medders

Medders is the country bumpkin from out yonder. You love her accent and the fact that she barrel races in rodeos and knows how to bass fish, but she's just not attractive enough for you to be interested in. Could she get the job done? Of course! What else is there to do in the sticks? But... ehh...

Bonus pitchers:

Madison Bumgarner & Tim Alderson

They are jailbait. Maybe 16 or 17 years old, maybe your buddy's little sister. They're drop dead gorgeous and definitely mature enough, but the law-abiding citizen in you says "NO!" and jumps into water at Ocean Beach. You feel weird for thinking about them, but then try to justify it because they're only thoughts. You promise yourself you'll test the waters around Christmas break in a year or two when you see them at a family friend's party.


Merkin Valdez

First of all, if you don't know what a "merkin" is. Click here. Hilarious.

Merkin Valdez is the foreign chick. Maybe she works at the Mexican restaurant, maybe she's a foreign exchange student. Either way she's got some hot Latina stuff going on that you're very intrigued by. She doesn't speak English, so you don't know how to hit on her, except she understands what you're getting at once you buy her a shot of tequila and lead her onto the dance floor. Obviously not girlfriend material, but exciting nonetheless.




Last but not least...

Brian Wilson

Brian Wilson is nuts. She is the craziest chick ever. She dyes her hair black and she's got blue eyes. She rides a Harley and loves to drink whiskey. She's got a tattoo that peeks out above her low-rise jeans and it wraps all the way around. You're dying to see it. She's Megan Fox.


"She's like a needle to a junkie, she's like whiskey to a drunk. Poker to a gambler, like a bullet in a gun... You can't quit her." -- Gary Allan


She's the crazy ass chick you can't keep up with but can't get enough of. It might be the death of you, but you can't quit her.


Hilarious stuff there. And no one is picturing the Giants as women... just an interesting take on it. Plus... tell me I'm not right! Can someone PLEASE get Bill Simmons to put this in his mailbag?? Haha. Later dudes.