Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Thinking of the Giants pitching staff as women

Wait... what?

Yeah, I know. Weird, right?

Hilarious story actually.

My buddy Spence and I were talking about how Sergio Romo went from lockdown to disaster in the span of a week. One of us called him a "two faced bitch." This inevitably led to a discussion of what kind of woman each Giants pitcher would be. No homo.

When you put it in these analytical terms, it makes more sense. I mean, what else do we Giants fans think about? Chicks and sports. Only if you're lucky do the two work seamlessly with each other. Anyway. Hope you get some laughs and insight into this.

Tim Lincecum

Timmy is the keeper of a lifetime. She's the girl that if you're lucky enough to convince her to dig you, you better not mess it up. She's sexy as hell, smart, laid back, will age well, and has enough of a wild streak to keep you begging for more without being a crazy ass bitch. (I'm picturing Katherine Heigl here). This is the one you need to marry. If you don't, you might see her going out with some douchebag from New York City or Boston someday, and you'll never forgive yourself as long as you live.

Matt Cain

Cain is the friend with benefits that wants to be more, but you just aren't sure. She's not unattractive by any means, and has even gotten better looking in recent years by dropping a few pounds. But no matter what she does, you're always going to see her more as a friend than a girlfriend. Plus her best friend is Tim Lincecum, and she'll never be able to top that.

Jonathan Sanchez

Wow! What a butterface! Sanchez is the girl that almost has it all. She's got a body to die for and a fun personality, but you have a hard time looking at her face. It usually takes a few vodka tonics to make you forget about her mug sometimes, and dimly lit bars or dark bedrooms are the best settings for her. Every now and then, she'll wear a trashy denim skirt and low cut tank top to a Kenny Chesney concert and you'll forget all about her facial shortcomings.

Randy Johnson

Randy Johnson is a cougar on the prowl. Man she was hot back when she was younger. Still, even at 45 years old, you'll see her hustling pool at the Silver Peso in Larkspur or the Viking in Novato, and think, man, for 45, she's still pretty hot and I'd still do her. Plus you've seen pictures of her back at 26, and it's like, "Damn... she was unbelievable."

Ryan Sadowski

Ryan Sadowski is the goofy band camp geek from high school that you never talked to, but ran into at a party in college a few years later. She gets liquored up from 3 screwdrivers and some Natty Light out of the keg and admits she's had a crush on you since Freshman year. She's throws herself at you, and since you've been hitting the Beam and Diets all night, you can't help but do it. Then you feel horrible in the morning because you can't stand the sight of her and her clinginess and knew it was a huge mistake.

Barry Zito

Barry Zito is the girl you thought was Tim Lincecum. You thought she had all those qualities and you could spend the rest of your life with her. You have a child together, and you're doing great in your career, making 7 figures. Next thing you know, she starts drinking and stops caring. You become the bad guy for working so much, and inevitably an ugly divorce ensues. You want so badly never to see her again, but she takes all your money, and you have to keep things civil for the sake of your daughter. Next thing you know, after she's taken everything from you, and you think you're rid of her, she marries some famous guy from LA, gets 3 plastic surgery procedures, and looks better than ever in the tabloids on the arm of that jerk. She ruined everything.

Sergio Romo

Romo was smoking hot in her senior year of high school. She was a high 8 then, and everyone thought she'd only get better looking. Then you saw her next summer, and she'd put on 20 pounds in college and wore the same kinds of clothes that she did before. Smoking a pack of Marb Lights and drinking a fifth of vodka in a night is nothing for her. But would you still do her? Of course. Plus, once she gets her life back together and gets over the craziness of sorority life, she'll probably return to a level comparable to her original form.

Jeremy Affeldt

Affeldt is solid as a rock. She's definitely marriage material. Not too exciting or overly sexy, but is pretty and is generally even keel. She makes you better and doesn't have any negative qualities. Plus she's a lefty and a great mom.

Bobby Howry

Howry is a plain jane that had some good years in her prime. She's more personality than looks, but is so damn weird that no one wastes their time trying to figure her out. She's like an accountant or librarian that went downhill quickly after age 35 and will never recover. Probably an X-Files fan.

Justin Miller

Justin Miller is the weird punk/hippie chick that you don't really know, but have met once or twice through friends. She's into a totally different scene than you, and some of the things you've heard her say are offensive and bizarre, but it's because she's so counter-cultural that you're intrigued. Yes, you've thought about it, but it'll never happen.


Brandon Medders

Medders is the country bumpkin from out yonder. You love her accent and the fact that she barrel races in rodeos and knows how to bass fish, but she's just not attractive enough for you to be interested in. Could she get the job done? Of course! What else is there to do in the sticks? But... ehh...

Bonus pitchers:

Madison Bumgarner & Tim Alderson

They are jailbait. Maybe 16 or 17 years old, maybe your buddy's little sister. They're drop dead gorgeous and definitely mature enough, but the law-abiding citizen in you says "NO!" and jumps into water at Ocean Beach. You feel weird for thinking about them, but then try to justify it because they're only thoughts. You promise yourself you'll test the waters around Christmas break in a year or two when you see them at a family friend's party.

Merkin Valdez

First of all, if you don't know what a "merkin" is. Click here. Hilarious.

Merkin Valdez is the foreign chick. Maybe she works at the Mexican restaurant, maybe she's a foreign exchange student. Either way she's got some hot Latina stuff going on that you're very intrigued by. She doesn't speak English, so you don't know how to hit on her, except she understands what you're getting at once you buy her a shot of tequila and lead her onto the dance floor. Obviously not girlfriend material, but exciting nonetheless.

Last but not least...

Brian Wilson

Brian Wilson is nuts. She is the craziest chick ever. She dyes her hair black and she's got blue eyes. She rides a Harley and loves to drink whiskey. She's got a tattoo that peeks out above her low-rise jeans and it wraps all the way around. You're dying to see it. She's Megan Fox.

"She's like a needle to a junkie, she's like whiskey to a drunk. Poker to a gambler, like a bullet in a gun... You can't quit her." -- Gary Allan

She's the crazy ass chick you can't keep up with but can't get enough of. It might be the death of you, but you can't quit her.

Hilarious stuff there. And no one is picturing the Giants as women... just an interesting take on it. Plus... tell me I'm not right! Can someone PLEASE get Bill Simmons to put this in his mailbag?? Haha. Later dudes.


  1. Lincecum - Jessica Alba
    Matt Cain - Jordana Spiro
    Jonathan Sanchez - Christina Hendricks
    Barry Zito - Paris Hilton
    Ryan Sadowski - Tara Reid
    Randy Johnson - Sharon Stone
    Sergio Romo - Drew Barrymore
    Jeremy Affedlt - Jenniffer Aniston
    Justin Miller - Amy Winehouse
    MadBum & Timmeh 2 - Miley Cyrus
    Merkin Valdez - ?
    Brian Wilson - Angelina Jolie

  2. Definitely agree on Randy Johnson, Jeremy Affeldt, Justin Miller, and MadBum/Alderson. I would also say that Megan Fox and Angelina for Brian Wilson would be a personal preference, as well as the Jessica Alba/Katherine Heigl for Lincecum debate.

    What's your reasoning for The Big Sadowski being Tara Reid? Is it because like Tara Reid, Sadowski started off hot and then fizzled? What about the Romo/Barrymore one? Little curious about that one.

    It's definitely difficult to peg a celebrity to each player analogy. Thanks for the comment bro. Love it.


  3. Someone sent this link to my show, and I have to admit, it's one of the funniest things I've ever read. I'm using on my show monday ... I'm filling in for Fitz & Brooks who are on vacation.

    12-3 KNBR 680 ... great job ... D.Bruce

  4. This is Hall of Fame material.

  5. Haha great stuff!

    Heard this mentioned from D.Bruce's show and I had to find it. Figured I can't go wrong from a blog named dodgerhater and you didn't fail!

  6. It's a toss up between the Sadowski chick and the Zito chick for coyote honors...

    Good stuff. D. Bruce may have to add you to the staff now.

  7. Great post! I have always though of the Giant team not just the pitching staff as a bunch of women.

    Go Dodgers!

  8. Freakin' Awesome. Great Work!

  9. Thanks dudes (and/or chicks)!

    I update the site multiple times a week and we are expanding it. There will be a couple more writers joining "the staff" here at Dodgerhater and we'll be exploring some Bill James-type statistical analysis as well as some minor league reporting.


  10. If Pablo, Benji and Rowand were pitchers, how would they be described?

  11. This is the question... I knew someone would ask me that! I will get back to you!

  12. Lets look at the dodgers roster of pitchers & position players that have come thru the farm dodger haters. we can refer to them as the "chicks you always wanted" but never had the game to get them.
    orlando hudson was that girl that was interested in you but you were too stupid to notice so you hooked up with her fat friend one weekend and got stuck with her (edgar renteria)

    love nl west champs

  13. Our farm system called. They said they're awesome and the Dodgers suck.

  14. I heard this on the radio today and I needed to read the rest of it. Its funny as hell. I loved it. I'm big Giants fan and reading it I totally agree. I don't know about Megan Fox as Brian Wilson, but great read. Funny stuff!

  15. Dodgers Pitchers would be like MILFs...married and devoted but showin' you a bit 'o skin as they brush past you and the Mrs. heading for preferred seating at the Greek and you're stuck in will call. You're jealous of the guy they're with and make a 3rd grade paper airplane to throw at him but you hit an usher in the eye and the loser next to you gets you ejected from the concert. You spend the whole trip home, in traffic, explaining "What were you thinking!!" to the Mrs. who gives you the cold shoulder for 2 weeks, but you secretly turn SportsCenter on and wait for highlights to satisfy your urges.

  16. Sherrill ain't shit - F__k the Dodgers!

  17. First off.... if you love the dodgers so much... go write your own comparison and have fun with that... cause i am really tired of reading your sad example for why your pitchers are MILFs and i know am dumb having read it... so thanks for that... it will take a lot of watching the Giants continue to win and loving the fact that the Dodgers have blown their current series to get past your stupidity!

    Next, FANTASTIC comparison with everyone, and the best part about it is that anyone that has or will read this knows how true it is! Must say I also don't get the Tara/Drew thing though...

    Last... GO GIANTS!!! Continue playing great!!! AND SCREW THE DODGERS!

  18. Sammi, you're an asshole. And, you have no sense of humor. The MILFs thing was a joke. We're all Giants fans here. Again, you ARE an asshole.


  20. Hmmmm. Someone just sent me this post, and while I have no idea how old it is, and frankly don't care, as a female Giants fan I found this little "article" to be FUCKING DISGUSTING. Here's some advice- just in case you ever want to get laid, do yourself a favor and stop referring to women as "Chicks" or "Crazy Ass Bitches".
    So stupid.